50 A Different Kind Of Pig

It used to be that families stayed together longer. Less divorce, less trauma to the kids and less money for the damned lawyers to fight about. Boy has that changed. I am not judging any of you, I am just giving you my observations. It is so much easier in our throw-away society to just say screw it when there is a problem at home. "To hell with him/her, I cant stand their_____. I'm going to go out and____. Let him/her watch the kids, take care of the house and bills, and I just KNOW their cheating." Instead of us talking about the problems rationally, it is like the weak elk falling to the wolves. I know, sometimes one spouse or the other seems irrational. They dont want to talk, they dont want to listen. They seem like they have become a different person. At this point they have gotten it into their minds that they are tired, mentally and physically from dealing with whatever perceived problem they have. It doesnt matter that they havent actually dealt with the other person, they just feel overwhelmed, so their mind is already made up. They dont want to be with their partner any more and they dont want to deal with homelife, work, whatever. Compromise is a thing of the past. In many cases, the two people in question are quite frankly, selfish, they want their own things and it will come at the price of their partner. We are so ingrained in this society of now, now , now and me, me, me that we sometimes fail to realize that family is what it boils down to and that sacrifice used to be part of the relationship. Sacrifice. There's one for you. Yes, I know : you that are reading this sacrificed for your kids and you sacrificed for you partner. I'm talking about your or their unwillingness to sacrifice. That's what brought you to this, right? I realize that their are an almost infinite number of reasons for divorce, I'm being general for sake of the size of the blog.

So it falls to the lawyers, lawmasters and family and friends to break the bond and begin picking up the pieces. Whichever parent has custody feels that they are the only parent now. In many cases, they are right. They do the every day stuff most of the time and they run the errands and diversions that come with a child. Again, it is overwhelming, even if you have moved on to another partner. Sometimes I think it's worse when you have moved on. It's worse for the child, because they have already been through the trauma of the divorce and now they get to hear 2 sets of parents griping and bitching about the other. You think they dont hear you 'cause you wait till their gone our out of hearing? I bet they do. I probably spend as much time with kids as I do adults. They hear and they tell their friends because they're stressed. I have heard them talk about problems with visitation or whatever and they always have a sad, faraway look in their eyes. You want whats best for your child and I'll bet in a lot of cases, so does the other parent. The problem comes now that the two of you no longer work things out together. He/she may seem like a royal jerk and a pain in the ass, but what would be going on if you were still together and not having problems? You would be talking it out, but now it's too late. He/she's paying(literally) and not getting enough face time with the child and they WILL have their way or say. They feel that since they dont get to spend as much time with the child and they are paying child support and possibly alimony, they should have more say in what goes on and when it's their turn to have the child for visitation, it will be so at all costs. Unfortunately that usually comes at the cost of the child's happiness. The child always suffers when there is a divorce. Period.

It's not easy being divorced. No, I havent been, but we have befriended enough folks that have. I have often heard both sides and thought to myself: "If they only talked to each other like this, even with a mediator, maybe this wouldnt have happened." I must keep reminding you, I understand that not every situation is like this, I know you feel you did all you could and they didnt. It sucks to go through this, doesnt it? What about the parent that gets on a wild streak and either neglects the children or out and out abandons them, for lack of a better term? I have seen many parents get on a binge of partying and bouncing from partner to partner. They play like they were 18 and unmarried again. They often forego seeing their kids in favor of their own pursuits because they feel"they paid their dues and now its 'me' time". Bull. I say if you were adult enough to have those kids, then you should be adult enough to act like a parent and raise them before you move on to yourself. If you find a legitimate relationship in the meantime and start a new life and love and it is partnered and meshed with your children, well, that seems like it's right, doesnt it? Alas, it doesnt usually go that way. We have been around parents(with custody) that feel they have "spent their life raising their kids, so I'm going to enjoy myself now"---as they look at their kids that are barely out of grade school. Really? You spent your life? All of what, 10, 12, 14 years? How much of that alone(without the biological parent? You feel that justifies you pawning off or outright neglecting your kids so you can go get your jollies? BULL!! What about the parent that spends every waking moment, doting on their kids, hoping the ex will show them a little love and understanding? Why does it have to be so hard? Grow up, both of you!

I also realize there is a third side to the coin and that is abuse. Mental, physical, sexual, it is all deplorable, more so with a child. All I can say is that the kid is better off without this piece of crap. I knew kids when I was in school that their life was one big beating or yelling session. They would have been better off in a broken home or even with a different family altogether. What child wants constant yelling and hitting?

I know that I have only scratched the surface and there are so many more situations and factors to consider, but I see and hear so many of our friends that are dealing with the aftermath of divorce, I wanted to say something on the subject. Some of you feel like you're beating your head against the wall dealing with your ex and you probably are. It is not in your best interests to keep beating yourself up over it. There will always be a situation where you 2 will not agree and one or neither of you will get your way, but ask yourself: What does my child want ? Is there a particular event going on that they want to attend, so that means we have to switch visitation? Is there a particular friend they want to see this weekend? A family event? It doesnt mean they dont love you anymore, kids have their own agenda. You should remember that. It may sadden you or make you mad because you feel they arent wanting to spend time with you and you get so little of it, but in many cases, I dont believe this is so. They have living to do and they have growing to do. You need to work it out with your ex so that the child is happy, not you or your ex. They will never be happy about the arrangement, really. After all their birth parents arent together anymore, but it doesnt have to be horrible for them.

Take the initiative once in a while. Plan some events even if they're small. Maybe if you start enjoying your child you'll realize how precious their happiness is. Take them to a movie, a museum or exhibit, even a party of some sort, you'll be surprised how fulfilling it is to spend even your couple days of visitation with them.

I am not trying to be up on a soapbox, I just get so tired and sad seeing so many folks dealing with their broken lives. Roz and I had our share of problems and we almost forgot how to simply talk to each other. We worked it out and have been the better for it, but it is work. Like I said at the beginning of this, most of the time, 1 or both of the parties involved just dont want to put the time and effort into it. If you are the parent that is providing the majority care and you cant reason with your ex anymore, you have my sympathy. I dont have any magic answers. I can only say that you must continue doing what is best for the children involved. If that means continually dealing with an ex that is pig-headed, arrogant or even dis-interested and uncaring, then you must be the bigger person. Try to reach a reasonable and logical solution as best you can with this person. Your children are watching, whether you think it or not and they will be basing their future relationships and their very lives on what transpires now. I salute you that are doing your best and I hope for the kids' sake that you and your exes can do what needs to be done for them.