41 Beating the Odds

As a general rule, I usually say that I had a pretty good childhood. Nothing out of the ordinary, but then, what is ordinary? I played, drew, rode bikes, read books and just about anything else you can think of. I remember the mentality of the day, though, when it came to the "other" kids.

We had a neighbor that had (at the time) 4 kids. The oldest was about my age, and we played together a lot. His brother and 2 sisters would occasionally join in with us and the other neighborhood kids. When the day was done and we were called inside for dinner and a bit of t.v. and family time before bed, we could usually tell when their "dad" came home. The screaming and yelling would start. The occasional loud crash and kids crying. I remember once, the oldest boy came flying out the door, just as I went to our front door. He wasnt running, he was being thrown through it. His "dad" was an alcoholic, gambling horses ass and when he came home from work, he took his frustration out on his wife and kids. I can recall many, many days when Mom had to feed those kids because they never had food in their house. Once, on a lazy summer day, I went outside after lunch and they were gathered around a tree eating a bag of shake and bake because that's all they had. At one point, the two boys chopped a hole in a bedroom floor and out of the house to have an "escape route" Back then, you rarely said anything to this kind of family. Other Mothers tried to lend a hand now and then and sometimes your Dad would talk to "him", but for the most part, it was "their problem", and you didnt say anything to them. Thus, the abuse continued.

I know this is a hard subject, but it was brought up yesterday and I just wanted to explore it a little today. I see abuse in many forms all around me. Hell, sometimes I feel like I'm abusing my kids because I didnt get them the latest "X" product. But, today, I'm talking about physical and mental abuse.

We have several friends that are single Mothers and they are doing their best to raise their kids at the sacrifice of their personal lives and gain. They do not worry about dating or buying themselves frivolous things like a new pair of shoes. These people I have all the respect and love in the world for. Then there are a few that I feel are, in fact, abusing their kids by establishing a lower mental worth through a form of neglect. They put their personal lives first. They date, to the point of dumping their kids off with whoever will watch them and they do this at every given opportunity. "But they need personal time." you say? Baloney...and not. Yes, you need a little time, but the ones I'm talking about are teaching their kids that they come second, after the "parent's" needs. You need shelter, food, money. You do need a little personal time, but if it comes at the price of your children becoming wild and unmanageable or worse, withdrawn and angry, I think you need to re-evaluate what you're doing. A parent who sacrifices those few precious years that a child is becoming an adult is to be lauded. One who would rather have a new boyfriend or a drunken night out every week(or more often) is, in my opinion, not deserving of children and is, in fact, abusing them.

What about jobs? We all have to work and pay bills, it is unavoidable unless you hit the lottery or have a reallllly good inheritance. A few years ago, I walked away from a 6 figure a year job because my youngest son tugged on my sleeve one Sunday morning and said"See you next Sunday, Dad". I had to force myself not to cry at work. I had co-workers that often told me of never experiencing their families joys. These were 20, 30 and 40 year veterans of that job. One guy told me he"guessed he would have to use a vacation day" to go see his daughter's college graduation. He told me he had missed every game, every play, every event she had ever been to, but it was okay he supposed, because his wife was there. I chose another path because I wanted to see my family. I know, you say it's not possible for everyone and you're probably right. It was very difficult, both financially and emotionally, but we managed. We have, I think, came out the other side the better for it. I hope the kids have, too.

You probably all know kids who were beaten or neglected, maybe worse. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I would love to be able to take some of these "parents" for a short visit to a small room with just me and a bat. What do you think you're doing to your child? He or she is learning that they are worthless in your eyes. They are learning that its okay to abuse a child and studies have shown that they probably will. You may have had a bad marriage/relationship/boyfriend, but does that excuse you from being a parent and showing those children the love and respect that you didnt get from that relationship? I think my readers would agree--NO! You made those children , now pony up and take the responsibility of raising them without abusing them and show them that they dont have to make the bad choices that you did. They might also learn that just because one parent or the other is absent, it doesnt mean they arent loved. They have you, family, friends and extended family to rely on and to learn from. Be the better person and accept your responsibility. You have a chance to raise a generation of people that know what caring and loving mean, even in a broken family.

Something worth having doesnt always come easy. It is not easy and is down right scary to face the world by yourself while raising a kid. It is also a lot harder sometimes to deal with your inner demons and not lash out at your spouse or kids. Were you beaten as a kid? I'm not literally asking you that, and I'm not talking about our previous rant about punishment. I'm saying--would you really want your kid or spouse to endure a lifetime of what you went through? If you are that frustrated with your job or situation, you have but to 1--talk to your spouse, best friend, family and try to work out a new situation and 2--look for a new job or environment that better suits your personality and talents. I said earlier--change is hard. Sometimes we are unwilling to sacrifice certain things to move along with life. I'm here to tell you that it is possible. Just remember that if you have kids, they come first. If that means living with a friend or relative until you can affect your own change, be it through an education or just changing jobs , then you do it. You can manage fine without holding on to that house/apartment/ property, what have you if it means you and your kids arent so stressed and in the long run you will have a better job and hence, maybe a better life. Some people get caught up in their troubles and their families pay for it. You and I have seen them, we feel pity for them, we are angered by them. How do you change it? How do you end it? That one you have to figure out on your own. People are afraid to use even words to let another know that they are not doing right by their family. I am guilty of it as well. We dont want to cause a conflict in the family/friendship, so we say nothing.

Abuse is abuse. Physical, mental, emotional, it all wears on a child or spouse or partner. I hope every day that I find the courage to say something , but even with all that I spew out to you all, I still dont know where to start. I feel around certain family and friends that we know, that I might pop and lash out myself. There is abuse and then, maybe, there is a sort of justice. Maybe it would take some of these idiots getting a beating to realize that maybe what they're doing isnt right. That is the duality of it. So where does that leave us? I dont know. I have tried to give you food for thought and now it is up to you, if you know of abuse like this or in a different form, to try and affect a change. Be subtle,be bold, whatever the situation calls for and whatever your heart and head tell you is right.