Why cant the world submit to my hard-headed, sinful ways? Mrs. DeWitt has long heard me extoll the virtues of there being a Scott-DeWitt-only-lane on every road and highway. Shopping lanes do not cater to me and my fickle whims. I cannot begin to tell you how aggravating some of those unfeeling, ignorant people counting out pennies in walmart or some such place are. How dare they inconvenience me by delaying my egress?
I have sworn to myself that the next little old lady in line at the bank or old man at a gas station will have boot marks up their spine for the audacity of taking more than thirty seconds to do their business. What the hell are they thinking? Dont they know how important it is that I be allowed to hurry up and get home to my tv and xbox? Damned inconsiderate if you ask me.
I have stared in awe at the obvious slight to my importance, when getting ready to leave the grocery store and everyone within sight, obviously watching my movements for the slightest hint that I'm done, rush to the 2 available cashiers and jam the lines. They obviously prowl the aisles in concert, not unlike sharks waiting for an opening, they look for a sign of weakness and move in to pile their worthless garnerings on the conveyor belts and thereby cause me to puff and fidget loudly while I waste my precious time on them.
Dont get me started about buying stamps and Dairy Mart not keeping cherry-vanilla Dr. Pepper. Bastards.
On a serious note, I have observed most of the above frustrations or experienced them myself while about my daily ramblings. I am not a patient person in some respects, but it has always amazed me what some folks will say and do when they become enraged at something so small. You know? The guy/girl who is smoking/texting/talking and riding your bumper, waits their chance and then passes you and turns off in about a half a mile or so. Those kind of people. The foot-tapper at the quick stop who cant get their beer/cigarrettes/lottery tickets fast enough. The lady in the "fast food" (how many of them are actually fast?) line that orders enough food for 37 and a half people, but God-forbid she has to sit more than 20 seconds to get it.
Faster access to everything, increasing pressure at work, home and kids have led to some of the most awful road rage, line rage and downright rudeness that has ever been witnessed. Rich, poor, in-shape, out of shape, young, old....it has come from every corner of our society. I have seen people from all segments of our society display rage at the most inoccuous things.
I would like to say first that I hold myself accountable when I do it. If I dont, Roz does. That being said, I think people let themselves become so stressed, sometimes for fear of being ostracized in one way or another, that the rage, fear and depression present themselves at these smallest of transgressions in their daily life. They dont want to be "that guy" at work, they dont want to be the "crazy lady" in the neighborhood or the person that speaks their mind, thereby pissing off others when they voice their concerns or their morals. So, Granny at the gas-pump pays the price.
I know my kids would tell you that I spout off immediately when I experience something that I perceive as "not-right". I suppose it would partly help if people would get things off their chest immediately (depending on the situation) and learn to deal with each other without fists or bullets flying. This is one subject I probably shouldnt have an opinion on, but it's been eating at me. I'm not sure what else to say on the matter, except that I know the "brotherly love" thing will never fly. I know a little about human nature, even though I'm a little jaded in thinking that most people are okay.
Either approach life like everyone's your friend until proven otherwise or everyone's out to get you. How lonely you must be right now if that is your choice. I think you're blinded, I think the rage is unwarranted and you need to re-evaluate yourself and I really wish you'd hurry up and do it because you're irritating me....
In closing, I would like to say that I realize a nasty aspect of human nature is greed. Greed in wanting your way, on your time, by your standards. I get it... really. I dont agree, but I get it. There will always be hate in this world, but this kind of anger is avoidable. Grit your teeth and let it out at an appropriate time, buy a punching bag or knit a sweater. Find a way to be tactful when someone is being truly inconsiderate. Whatever you have to do. Now, if you dont mind, quit monopolizing my time, I have ice cream melting beside me...dammit.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
115 Dick Cheney Is a Cereal Rapist
Before you go bitching about it, yes, I know I said cereal rapist. I'm just chock full of double entendre. Ha. Without further adieu, I give you yet another aspect of why I think our government should be wiped clean and replaced.
I have preached time and time again about apathy. We all do it. It doesnt make it right, but we still do it. In context, we elect mostly the same people to mostly the same offices, year after year. They smile, bullshit us a little(or a lot) and the whole time the better part of them are taking money and perks from special interest groups. Oil and gas in your state? You can pretty much count on some or all levels of your state and federal government accepting money to allow them what they want to extract their liquid money. The same goes for every other industry, whether it be big pharma, big oil, big industry or any other infinitely wealthy organization.
What do we do? We keep letting them stick it to us until it affects something we care about. I think it can be changed, but it will take more than just me to do it. How many times do the oil companies have to destroy your local hunting area or muck up your hiking trail or picnic area? How many more doctors and hospitals will push drugs that are worse than the disease? Yeah, I know they arent politicos, but it's the same thing. I'm sure that somehow there are a bunch of politicians being paid off by the drug companies for something. How many industries pay politicians for allowing them to further some aspect of their business in a way that is a little "off the books"? Displace some people? Sure. Wait, lets send all the heavy manufacturing to Pago-Pago because those little brown bastards will work for 32 cents an hour. We can shutter the factory and have a multi- million dollar tax break as well. What's that senator? Your limo is a little cramped? Well, we'll just have a nice new Bentley waiting for you after you sign the bill. Yes, yes senator, we(OOOOOIIIIIILLLLLLLL) will give you free gas in the form of a "campaign contribution". How much? Welllll, how much do you need senator?
....And on and on. You remember the line from Clueless? " You can only hear that Richard Gere-Gerbil story so many times and it's got to be true" That's how I feel about politicians. I'm willing to bet that if you have suspicions that one of them's crooked, then they probably are. Occasionally one of them gets too ballsy and gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar and one foot on the throat of some poor constituent. They throw him under the bus and people feel a little better about "the awful, crooked politician" getting caught and punished. Oh. I mean, losing his position. They never really get punished, unless other rich people get shanked. BERNIE MADOFF. Pissed off a bunch of other rich freakers and now his poor wife had to give up her personal possessions . Yes, again, he's not a politician, but again, it's the same crap.
How much do you think Rob Blogojavich( frick, I know I spelled it wrong) would have really gotten if he'd sold Obama's seat? If the big "O" hadnt been elected president, say....he'd just quit and went into some private sector job, would anything have been done? I doubt it. No fame, no gain.
Let's do Mr. Cheney now. Haliburton. 'nuff said.
No, I feel the need to say " some of the crookedest mother effers that ever walked the planet. " For the last what....30 or 40 years?
The biggest thing I can think to do legally is "Term limits". In one way, some of the honest politicians.....Had to stop and snicker/snort there, would suffer. Their experience and agendas that may have benefitted their constituents would either have to be expedited or wait until a later term was earned. They should have to at least sit out 1 term and have a public evaluation of work accomplished for their current term. We're Americans Dammit! We could figure out some rational way to hold them accountable for what they do during their tenure and either allow or disallow them from further office.
In the end, our apathy always seems to win out. We shrug our collective shoulders, sigh and utter the completely idiotic phrase " Oh well, what can we do?". How dumb. It's no wonder the rest of the world reviles us. What's my favorite historic phrase kiddies? That's right, Mr. Jefferson. No, not George(as in George and Weezy). Mr Thomas J. Something about " The tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots." I'm not saying that we should all go out and wax your local congressman. Yet. Change is always painful and as spoiled Americans, we detest anything difficult or things that may affect us personally. Sacrifice is a necessity for attaining greatness. A couple million men that died about 60 years ago will attest to that. We gained great respect and attained some fabulous ideals and morals (albeit for only about 20 years) but we still did it. Many things carried over until the last decade or so. Unfortunately, when the dollar became more important than life and liberty and the pursuit of 2.5 kids a wife and home, we temporarily felt great buying cheap goods from big corporations at ridiculously low prices. We traded our souls for a $400 home computer and a closet full of clothes from bangladesh. Oh and let's not forget your service representative Veejay, I mean BOB, who directs your credit/phone/finances from somewhere in New Delhi.
Do some actual research. Check out the people running locally and see how many people that actually know them would recommend them. Do a little research, if only on the net, about anything that your Staties or Federals have done in their political and business life. See if they have a questionable past from an old job or lower office. We have the greatest system in place that the world has ever known. We make little use of it. I fear it will take a monumental disaster to make us take notice and actually care. 911 was a horrible tragedy that should have been averted, but I believe that it will take an event that would make it look like a bad sunburn to make people take a hand in their own futures.
Take heart my fellow Americans. Nothing lasts forever. Ice cream cake, bull markets, democracies....but hey! Tomorrow's another Day!
I have preached time and time again about apathy. We all do it. It doesnt make it right, but we still do it. In context, we elect mostly the same people to mostly the same offices, year after year. They smile, bullshit us a little(or a lot) and the whole time the better part of them are taking money and perks from special interest groups. Oil and gas in your state? You can pretty much count on some or all levels of your state and federal government accepting money to allow them what they want to extract their liquid money. The same goes for every other industry, whether it be big pharma, big oil, big industry or any other infinitely wealthy organization.
What do we do? We keep letting them stick it to us until it affects something we care about. I think it can be changed, but it will take more than just me to do it. How many times do the oil companies have to destroy your local hunting area or muck up your hiking trail or picnic area? How many more doctors and hospitals will push drugs that are worse than the disease? Yeah, I know they arent politicos, but it's the same thing. I'm sure that somehow there are a bunch of politicians being paid off by the drug companies for something. How many industries pay politicians for allowing them to further some aspect of their business in a way that is a little "off the books"? Displace some people? Sure. Wait, lets send all the heavy manufacturing to Pago-Pago because those little brown bastards will work for 32 cents an hour. We can shutter the factory and have a multi- million dollar tax break as well. What's that senator? Your limo is a little cramped? Well, we'll just have a nice new Bentley waiting for you after you sign the bill. Yes, yes senator, we(OOOOOIIIIIILLLLLLLL) will give you free gas in the form of a "campaign contribution". How much? Welllll, how much do you need senator?
....And on and on. You remember the line from Clueless? " You can only hear that Richard Gere-Gerbil story so many times and it's got to be true" That's how I feel about politicians. I'm willing to bet that if you have suspicions that one of them's crooked, then they probably are. Occasionally one of them gets too ballsy and gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar and one foot on the throat of some poor constituent. They throw him under the bus and people feel a little better about "the awful, crooked politician" getting caught and punished. Oh. I mean, losing his position. They never really get punished, unless other rich people get shanked. BERNIE MADOFF. Pissed off a bunch of other rich freakers and now his poor wife had to give up her personal possessions . Yes, again, he's not a politician, but again, it's the same crap.
How much do you think Rob Blogojavich( frick, I know I spelled it wrong) would have really gotten if he'd sold Obama's seat? If the big "O" hadnt been elected president, say....he'd just quit and went into some private sector job, would anything have been done? I doubt it. No fame, no gain.
Let's do Mr. Cheney now. Haliburton. 'nuff said.
No, I feel the need to say " some of the crookedest mother effers that ever walked the planet. " For the last what....30 or 40 years?
The biggest thing I can think to do legally is "Term limits". In one way, some of the honest politicians.....Had to stop and snicker/snort there, would suffer. Their experience and agendas that may have benefitted their constituents would either have to be expedited or wait until a later term was earned. They should have to at least sit out 1 term and have a public evaluation of work accomplished for their current term. We're Americans Dammit! We could figure out some rational way to hold them accountable for what they do during their tenure and either allow or disallow them from further office.
In the end, our apathy always seems to win out. We shrug our collective shoulders, sigh and utter the completely idiotic phrase " Oh well, what can we do?". How dumb. It's no wonder the rest of the world reviles us. What's my favorite historic phrase kiddies? That's right, Mr. Jefferson. No, not George(as in George and Weezy). Mr Thomas J. Something about " The tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots." I'm not saying that we should all go out and wax your local congressman. Yet. Change is always painful and as spoiled Americans, we detest anything difficult or things that may affect us personally. Sacrifice is a necessity for attaining greatness. A couple million men that died about 60 years ago will attest to that. We gained great respect and attained some fabulous ideals and morals (albeit for only about 20 years) but we still did it. Many things carried over until the last decade or so. Unfortunately, when the dollar became more important than life and liberty and the pursuit of 2.5 kids a wife and home, we temporarily felt great buying cheap goods from big corporations at ridiculously low prices. We traded our souls for a $400 home computer and a closet full of clothes from bangladesh. Oh and let's not forget your service representative Veejay, I mean BOB, who directs your credit/phone/finances from somewhere in New Delhi.
Do some actual research. Check out the people running locally and see how many people that actually know them would recommend them. Do a little research, if only on the net, about anything that your Staties or Federals have done in their political and business life. See if they have a questionable past from an old job or lower office. We have the greatest system in place that the world has ever known. We make little use of it. I fear it will take a monumental disaster to make us take notice and actually care. 911 was a horrible tragedy that should have been averted, but I believe that it will take an event that would make it look like a bad sunburn to make people take a hand in their own futures.
Take heart my fellow Americans. Nothing lasts forever. Ice cream cake, bull markets, democracies....but hey! Tomorrow's another Day!
Monday, July 26, 2010
114 R and R
Well. It's amazing sometimes how a change will come about. Sometimes you can see it coming at you while you're frozen(deer in the headlights). You know it's coming, you see the end result and then, BAM!, it hits you. Sometimes it just creeps up on you. Like death stalking a fat, myopic, social retard who lives in his parent's basement, slurping energy drinks and gorging on cheeseburgers while his World of Warcraft character gets stronger and better looking.
Whew. The things that go through my mind. You know what I'm talking about, anyway. I was stressed the freak out by Saturday and about the middle of the scorching hot day, I suggested that we haul ass for the lake. Since Cheat Lake is not conducive to rest and relaxation for those of us who dont have more than an inflatable raft, and Deep Creek isnt any better, I suggested we go to the old standard from when the kids were little: Broadford.
You have to keep in mind that it was about 2500 degrees Celsius outside and the humidity was thick enough that fish were swimming right out of the water and breaking the previously unbreakable barrier of land and sky to swim right along side cars and confound small children riding their bikes. Allowing of course, that they pried their pudgy, lethargic fingers from the video game controls and text keys of their phones.
So there we were, throwing down towels in the shady grass bank, just outside of the roped off childrens area. As I tried to ease into the water, I kept thinking that it was about 3 degrees above freezing. It hit me that my body temperature was so hot, that any water under the boiling point was sure to feel like jumping into a tub of ice water. After getting the ol' "holy crap, my junk is receding and thereby turning me into a 6 year old because this water is so freakin cold" experience, I just decided to bail in all at once. It took about 7 to 9 seconds and it began to feel like I had passed over to the other side and began to enjoy one of the minor benefits of what must surely be my personal Heaven.
The water coming up from the bottom of the lake was quite cool and the water from the super-heated edge was mingling to create a sandy, wet utopia. Some of the fish starting to swim from the parking lot to the highway even turned around and came back when they heard the pleased sounds I was making. We stayed in the water for about an hour and a half, not wanting to take the chance that coming out would result in being steamed like a lobster in a pot. Eventually, we managed to grudgingly stretch out, still in partial shade, and try to wait for the cooking to come.
Funny thing: it never happened. As our body temperatures were significantly lowered, I suppose, from the cool water, the shade protected us from that hateful, glowing ball. As you may have guessed, I'm not a warm-weather person. I do better in the fall, always have, always will. Not to say that I dont like a nice warm day once in a while, I just dont like baking and suffocating in heat and high humidity. So, I pulled my hat down over my face and just lay there, soaking in a slight breeze and the shifting shade, although the breeze was a bit warm.
Just like that, peace and contentment slapped me upside the head. I felt relaxed, not one iota of stress. I cannot overstate it enough: I cant recall even a vacation when I felt so contented. Tomorrow didnt exist. Technology, taxes and annoying coworkers didnt exist. Home and hearth, aggravating friends and neighbors, hungry pets: none of it existed or even mattered if it did. There was only the smell of the air, the water, the trees. There was only a waving shade, a kissing breeze and the low din of voices, punctuated by children's laughing and playful shreiks. I really dont know how it happened and I dont care if I ever do. I felt as relaxed as I ever have in my conscious life. I suppose as an infant I may have felt that way, but then, who among us remembers that far back?
I cant recall how long I layed there, not that I cared. The amazing thing was that often, we all know these moments are few and precious, so we agonize with the knowledge that they must end. Not the case here. Not ONE thing worried me, except when the spider crawled up my elbow. After a 3 second hissy fit, I was back in the zone. Those few hours stretched out next to the sand were worth more to me than all the vacations that I have ever taken. I cannot explain it and I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.
You should all be so lucky, perhaps you have been. I am still amazed at how a few hours of my life, pinned to a last minute decision have changed my attitude so quickly. A few days ago I felt a palpable stress. I was a clinging, gelatinous mass that was draped over me, filling my pores, my eyes and permeating my brain. Every aspect of daily life was a stressful decision waiting to be made and then....nothing.
The closest I can come and it will only cheapen it, trust me, is from the movie Office Space when Ron Livingston's character is being hypnotized and the therapist dies mid-hypnosis, leaving him in a state of eternal bliss and relaxation. It truly cleared my mind. So, I will leave you to ponder my words and wonder if I just went nuts or if there really is something to it. I hope you realize the value of little things. I hope you can achieve even a small bit of how I felt. It had been so long since I felt even a fraction of that happiness that doesnt involve loved ones, I suppose it felt like I was the only person to ever be that contented and not spend 12 years in a Buddhist monastary meditating.
May peace and contentment be yours, if even only for a moment. THAT is how I spent my Saturday....How's your day going?
Whew. The things that go through my mind. You know what I'm talking about, anyway. I was stressed the freak out by Saturday and about the middle of the scorching hot day, I suggested that we haul ass for the lake. Since Cheat Lake is not conducive to rest and relaxation for those of us who dont have more than an inflatable raft, and Deep Creek isnt any better, I suggested we go to the old standard from when the kids were little: Broadford.
You have to keep in mind that it was about 2500 degrees Celsius outside and the humidity was thick enough that fish were swimming right out of the water and breaking the previously unbreakable barrier of land and sky to swim right along side cars and confound small children riding their bikes. Allowing of course, that they pried their pudgy, lethargic fingers from the video game controls and text keys of their phones.
So there we were, throwing down towels in the shady grass bank, just outside of the roped off childrens area. As I tried to ease into the water, I kept thinking that it was about 3 degrees above freezing. It hit me that my body temperature was so hot, that any water under the boiling point was sure to feel like jumping into a tub of ice water. After getting the ol' "holy crap, my junk is receding and thereby turning me into a 6 year old because this water is so freakin cold" experience, I just decided to bail in all at once. It took about 7 to 9 seconds and it began to feel like I had passed over to the other side and began to enjoy one of the minor benefits of what must surely be my personal Heaven.
The water coming up from the bottom of the lake was quite cool and the water from the super-heated edge was mingling to create a sandy, wet utopia. Some of the fish starting to swim from the parking lot to the highway even turned around and came back when they heard the pleased sounds I was making. We stayed in the water for about an hour and a half, not wanting to take the chance that coming out would result in being steamed like a lobster in a pot. Eventually, we managed to grudgingly stretch out, still in partial shade, and try to wait for the cooking to come.
Funny thing: it never happened. As our body temperatures were significantly lowered, I suppose, from the cool water, the shade protected us from that hateful, glowing ball. As you may have guessed, I'm not a warm-weather person. I do better in the fall, always have, always will. Not to say that I dont like a nice warm day once in a while, I just dont like baking and suffocating in heat and high humidity. So, I pulled my hat down over my face and just lay there, soaking in a slight breeze and the shifting shade, although the breeze was a bit warm.
Just like that, peace and contentment slapped me upside the head. I felt relaxed, not one iota of stress. I cannot overstate it enough: I cant recall even a vacation when I felt so contented. Tomorrow didnt exist. Technology, taxes and annoying coworkers didnt exist. Home and hearth, aggravating friends and neighbors, hungry pets: none of it existed or even mattered if it did. There was only the smell of the air, the water, the trees. There was only a waving shade, a kissing breeze and the low din of voices, punctuated by children's laughing and playful shreiks. I really dont know how it happened and I dont care if I ever do. I felt as relaxed as I ever have in my conscious life. I suppose as an infant I may have felt that way, but then, who among us remembers that far back?
I cant recall how long I layed there, not that I cared. The amazing thing was that often, we all know these moments are few and precious, so we agonize with the knowledge that they must end. Not the case here. Not ONE thing worried me, except when the spider crawled up my elbow. After a 3 second hissy fit, I was back in the zone. Those few hours stretched out next to the sand were worth more to me than all the vacations that I have ever taken. I cannot explain it and I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.
You should all be so lucky, perhaps you have been. I am still amazed at how a few hours of my life, pinned to a last minute decision have changed my attitude so quickly. A few days ago I felt a palpable stress. I was a clinging, gelatinous mass that was draped over me, filling my pores, my eyes and permeating my brain. Every aspect of daily life was a stressful decision waiting to be made and then....nothing.
The closest I can come and it will only cheapen it, trust me, is from the movie Office Space when Ron Livingston's character is being hypnotized and the therapist dies mid-hypnosis, leaving him in a state of eternal bliss and relaxation. It truly cleared my mind. So, I will leave you to ponder my words and wonder if I just went nuts or if there really is something to it. I hope you realize the value of little things. I hope you can achieve even a small bit of how I felt. It had been so long since I felt even a fraction of that happiness that doesnt involve loved ones, I suppose it felt like I was the only person to ever be that contented and not spend 12 years in a Buddhist monastary meditating.
May peace and contentment be yours, if even only for a moment. THAT is how I spent my Saturday....How's your day going?
Monday, July 12, 2010
113 Gilmore, Days and Endings
I think, as I havent posted regularly for a long time, I should cover something "darkly pleasant". I have pushed my body and mind lately, to the point of mental exhaustion. I havent taken a lot of time lately for any kind of stress abatement. We DID go on a short vacation, and while it was relaxing, it didnt seem to get rid of the stress that has accumulated lately. I'm confident it isnt detrimental, but I get tightness in my chest a lot while worrying about the "everydays". School, family, finishing the house, yada, yada, yada.
We've been making the wine that some of you have come to know and love and while picking them is both a chore and fun, it still hasnt served to relax the old gray muscle.
So, as I have a few minutes, I sit here and look back at the relaxing things, the pleasant things, the things that allow me to keep my sanity.
Wife and kids not withstanding, I like comic books(only certain ones, like all good collectors?), music to suit the mood, engines(anything with one that I can do something stupid in), alcohol when the time is appropriate, video games(particularly first person shooters), real guns, fishing, cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper, Maryland blue crab, black and white war movies, westerns (John Wayne at the foremost), girls in boy-shorts(legal age, get your minds out of the gutter), girls in various skimpy clothes(not negligees, too cliche) and various other pleasures of the flesh and mind.
Now, any combination of the above is likely to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, for a various amount of time. We dont really socialize at bars and parties like a lot of our peers, but we socialize with our friends as time allows. Lately it seems we barely have 5 minutes for the kids and ourselves. I know that the end result is what we're striving towards: a grown-up career for moi, weekends off and fancier dog biscuits for the pooches. I try to ignore the stress, keep the head up and the broad shoulders for the rest of the family to rely on, but man, it really has gotten to me lately. I started having huge, gouging pangs of nostalgia lately, being brought on by anything and nothing. I want the feeling I had before most of my old friends left the area, before so many of the old-timers that taught me bits and pieces of life passed on, the feeling of well-being and hope that I had when Clinton was in office, gas was under a dollar, a dollar bought something and all was right with America.
I catch myself sneaking off around the house, driving slower to work or some such thing to have a moment to try and force that feeling back. I always get to the cusp of it and then it backs off. It's always there, I can taste it, catch the scent of it, but it never fully materializes. Dont tell me not to live in the past. It's not that I want to live in that time or with people loved and lost, I just want that feeling. I've ranted on this before, but now it is so prevalent, it consumes me at every waking moment. I think it has to do in part with me finally getting off my duff and doing something career and life-wise. Fear, I suppose. Fear of failure, fear that things wont be as secure as the blessed 90's were for us. Fear that I'll never get this freaking house finished. Fear that I'll never find a lifestyle program(diet and excercise) that I'll stick to.
I was hoping that writing this down would be cathartic, but so far, it hasnt helped. I suppose a little more introspection (6 months? 6 years?) may bring about some grand realization and I'll get my head back in the game. I dont have time to turn around, let alone spend some bonding time with Roz and the boys like I used to. I fear that we will all drift apart and that even more things wont be the same. I suppose we all have these fears in some form or another.
I dont know if you could qualify this as a midlife crisis. I havent bought a sports car, a hot, young mistress, a rolex or gotten hair or pec implants yet, so how do you define it? Isnt that what we're supposed to do in a midlife crisis? Most of my older readers may know my views on life and after-life, so it's not fear of THAT unknown. Whatever it is, I have a summer class that is almost over and then the real school kicks in. Somewhere in the downtime of 3 weeks, I need to find myself. I need to find NEW ways to experience family and life that give me the sense of perceived well-being that I had. I dont really recall losing it, it just happened. It's probably happened to some of you in one way or another. I dont have to like it, I dont have to put up with it, so dont tell me that.
In closing, I have great feelings with my family and the activities that we DO find time to do together. I just want to get rid of this sick feeling that has me wanting to rev up the old family truckster and smash it through the front window at walmart just to see if I still FEEL like I'm alive. I want to drive up to the strip job above the house and shoot the living crap out of things like we used to. I dont want to worry about what kind of coverings I need to finish the ceiling and floor. I want the kids, as they continue to explore their teen-age independence, to look at me like they did when they were 8. I want John Wayne resurrected from the dead and paired with Clint Eastwood to make a western to end all westerns that I will watch every day for the rest of my life. I want the wife and I to be at ease with our health and our physiques like we were not so many years ago. For lack of a better term, I want to be what we ALL want to be:.....happy.
We've been making the wine that some of you have come to know and love and while picking them is both a chore and fun, it still hasnt served to relax the old gray muscle.
So, as I have a few minutes, I sit here and look back at the relaxing things, the pleasant things, the things that allow me to keep my sanity.
Wife and kids not withstanding, I like comic books(only certain ones, like all good collectors?), music to suit the mood, engines(anything with one that I can do something stupid in), alcohol when the time is appropriate, video games(particularly first person shooters), real guns, fishing, cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper, Maryland blue crab, black and white war movies, westerns (John Wayne at the foremost), girls in boy-shorts(legal age, get your minds out of the gutter), girls in various skimpy clothes(not negligees, too cliche) and various other pleasures of the flesh and mind.
Now, any combination of the above is likely to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, for a various amount of time. We dont really socialize at bars and parties like a lot of our peers, but we socialize with our friends as time allows. Lately it seems we barely have 5 minutes for the kids and ourselves. I know that the end result is what we're striving towards: a grown-up career for moi, weekends off and fancier dog biscuits for the pooches. I try to ignore the stress, keep the head up and the broad shoulders for the rest of the family to rely on, but man, it really has gotten to me lately. I started having huge, gouging pangs of nostalgia lately, being brought on by anything and nothing. I want the feeling I had before most of my old friends left the area, before so many of the old-timers that taught me bits and pieces of life passed on, the feeling of well-being and hope that I had when Clinton was in office, gas was under a dollar, a dollar bought something and all was right with America.
I catch myself sneaking off around the house, driving slower to work or some such thing to have a moment to try and force that feeling back. I always get to the cusp of it and then it backs off. It's always there, I can taste it, catch the scent of it, but it never fully materializes. Dont tell me not to live in the past. It's not that I want to live in that time or with people loved and lost, I just want that feeling. I've ranted on this before, but now it is so prevalent, it consumes me at every waking moment. I think it has to do in part with me finally getting off my duff and doing something career and life-wise. Fear, I suppose. Fear of failure, fear that things wont be as secure as the blessed 90's were for us. Fear that I'll never get this freaking house finished. Fear that I'll never find a lifestyle program(diet and excercise) that I'll stick to.
I was hoping that writing this down would be cathartic, but so far, it hasnt helped. I suppose a little more introspection (6 months? 6 years?) may bring about some grand realization and I'll get my head back in the game. I dont have time to turn around, let alone spend some bonding time with Roz and the boys like I used to. I fear that we will all drift apart and that even more things wont be the same. I suppose we all have these fears in some form or another.
I dont know if you could qualify this as a midlife crisis. I havent bought a sports car, a hot, young mistress, a rolex or gotten hair or pec implants yet, so how do you define it? Isnt that what we're supposed to do in a midlife crisis? Most of my older readers may know my views on life and after-life, so it's not fear of THAT unknown. Whatever it is, I have a summer class that is almost over and then the real school kicks in. Somewhere in the downtime of 3 weeks, I need to find myself. I need to find NEW ways to experience family and life that give me the sense of perceived well-being that I had. I dont really recall losing it, it just happened. It's probably happened to some of you in one way or another. I dont have to like it, I dont have to put up with it, so dont tell me that.
In closing, I have great feelings with my family and the activities that we DO find time to do together. I just want to get rid of this sick feeling that has me wanting to rev up the old family truckster and smash it through the front window at walmart just to see if I still FEEL like I'm alive. I want to drive up to the strip job above the house and shoot the living crap out of things like we used to. I dont want to worry about what kind of coverings I need to finish the ceiling and floor. I want the kids, as they continue to explore their teen-age independence, to look at me like they did when they were 8. I want John Wayne resurrected from the dead and paired with Clint Eastwood to make a western to end all westerns that I will watch every day for the rest of my life. I want the wife and I to be at ease with our health and our physiques like we were not so many years ago. For lack of a better term, I want to be what we ALL want to be:.....happy.
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