90 Eternal

First let me address a recent footnote of mine that seems to have bothered some people. This has to do with the way most people's minds process information. I called God--Her. Some of you seem to think God is a man. I beg to differ. While the God concept is both Alpha and Omega, it is not gender-specific unless you lived in feudal Europe or survived the Inquisition. I think the entity known as God leans toward the feminine and here's why:

First- The world and the universe contain great, vast beauty that is born from chaos.

Second-It's always changing, ebbing and flowing as with a purpose, yet often without rhyme or reason that can be seen or understood.

Third-If you try to understand the world and the universe, you will only be MORE confused in the end, yet if you simply try to live in harmony with them, you end up living a much more peaceful, easy life.

Fourth-Have you ever seen a Man that could manage this many children and homes and not have the whole thing burnt down, flooded and dirty dishes piled to the rafters?

That's all I have to say about that....

Last night, I saw the moon, hanging in a wispy sea of clouds. I felt the still breeze, NOT blowing through the window of my car. I saw the soft edges of the plow-cut snow, realizing they had melted the day before. FINALLY, I have a feeling of the coming warmth. I can smell the spring in the night air, feel it on my skin.

The previous postings had me at my wits end, writhing in the agony of endless white flakes with the rest of you. My patience was exhausted, my esteem at an all-time low. I can honestly say I have never felt that bad about something I couldnt control. I cleansed my soul in my own way and for a day or so, I literally felt "cleaner" and "refreshed". Last night, I noticed the change.

I like to think that I am somewhat attuned to nature: for cryin' out loud, I spend a lot of time out there. Like the old men of yore, I can tell when the weather's changing by the ache of an old injury, I often feel the changes in the barometric pressure in my sinuses(more injuries). Yeah, I know, what a hick.

I really felt something in the ether, in the moment. It made me feel refreshed in ways seldom experienced as we get older. Not quite the same as the birth of a child but better than buying yourself something nice. That really doesnt cut it either. There is a child-like euphoria involved in the liberation from a misery like that. I know it's not the same, but it at least has to be akin to a prisoner of war being released from a long captivity. You know that soon you will have room to breathe, the choice to go where you want without restriction and yet there's more to it.

Maybe I'm over-stating it, maybe not. Either way, it really has been another sort of awakening for me. Since I started blogging last year, there have been a lot of self-realizations for me. I think the process of putting the words down, at least for me, have stirred long-dormant cravings. It has dredged up repressed "talents" if you want to call them that, although I still find myself dubious in that area. It also brings me a newly re-discovered sensitivity to many things, in many ways. I have noticed myself having emotional experiences usually not expressed by most guys. I'm not sure if it's just the nature of someone who writes a lot, thereby being more expressive or if it's just that by BEING expressive it opens you to a lot of normally repressed avenues. (usually not the 'manly' avenues, you know?).

Any-whoo, my heart tells me what my mind has already processed: spring is springing. Slowly, methodically, tentative bit by tentative bit. A hint of a warm breeze here, a smell there. Occasionally a bird singing, the turkeys across the hill the other day that I heard clucking and purring. The tips of trees are turning, budding in spite of the incessant white tide. Soon the snow will melt, even though we may get a bit more here and there, maybe a good covering. Even so, deep in my soul, I know what awaits. It always comes back to us and few places let you enjoy it so. Our home in the hills sometimes holds terrible winters, winds and heat waves and yet, I have seldom seen such beauty, such life. Many places have I been when the spring life teems. This little chunk of the world has a bit of it all. We get the hills, the trees, the flowers and the bees. We see myriads of birds, animals great and small and the air itself becomes a living thing. All of it lies at the end of our fingertips. Patience, hope and that child-like wonder that feels so good have all been restored to me.

As you go about your day tomorrow, take a little breath. As you're outside on your way to and fro, pause, just for a moment and inhale the hope of spring. The proof is there, if you let yourself feel it. After all, hope springs eternal, right?