91 Plexus of my Nexus

Many times in my rants I have spoken about various ways I have come to a "reckoning" with myself, with my soul. I have spent a lifetime talking to strangers and family, scholars and friends. Over the lifetime of a child, I was eyeball level for the better part of it with dirt and grass, dusty roads and bugs and toads. I spent hours behind the pages of books... more like days. I liked talking to anyone who spoke back and I could wander off, staring intently at something for hours, oblivious to the world. Little was witheld from me, most people I met parted wisdom(sometimes their own brand) and lore without holding back. Every step I took, every moment I stole was spent watching the world with wonder.

Over the years, I learned, at least to myself, there was no difference between a millionaire and a homeless man, harlots and clergymen. Everyone is equal and yet different, but not in the modern "PC" way. Politically correct bull makes me nauseous. Each man alive has the same desires, the same needs. Usually the biggest difference is the cost. All of us work towards a goal or goals, the methods differ, the details as well. They say the devil's in the details and therein lies the method to MY personal madness. I love listening and watching to figure people out. It's not always easy, it's soemtimes frustrating, but I love it.

The "center" of me, the core that all of us want, the thing that we crave, is sometimes lost along our journey. Sometimes people find it again, sometimes they dont. Sometimes they discover it again and again. I personally never thought I would lose mine, even over years of raising a family and work. Somewhere along the last five or ten years, pieces of me slipped away, gently, quietly, unnoticed. I used to draw a lot, do various "arty" things and I read a lot, even through my busiest years. Busy this, hurry that, each compromise nibbling a piece here and a bit there. In our minds, we dont actually become a zombie, but sometimes we feel that way. Day to day becomes week to week and so on. Tasks and habits become so engrained in our every day, we lose something by giving. We give that time to help with our families or work and one day, you look up and years have gone by along with the center we loved. You have a center to calm yourself but your REAL center left only fleeting shadows on the edges of your soul.

Not so long ago, I got back to a baser, more simplistic me. I spent more time outside, hunting, fishing, wandering the woods and fields. Family joined me from time to time but it still helped me, not hindered. When I began writing for you, rather should I say, for me, it awakened a vast, long untapped source of wonder and energy. I have spent almost a year trying to figure out how best to use it and have come to a few conclusions.

First, I like to write. I do it first and foremost for myself, for the release it gives me and the satisfaction. I like writing for you all and I like when it inspires or at least makes you think, but it has to be mine first and then yours.

Second, the things I write bring back little pieces of what I lost. They have put my soul back in order. I feel more whole than I have in a long time. Not to say that my family didnt make me feel whole, or things that happened along the way didnt, there's just a part of all of us that MUST be selfish, MUST be ours, to keep us sane and make us feel truly happy.

Lastly, the actual feelings that I get from listening to you respond to what I have to say, whether good, bad or indifferent, are priceless. They have defined me for the coming years. They keep me going and make my day when I falter.

You can find your "real" center. You may have already. What is it that, to coin a phrase, makes you feel whole? Knitting? Managing people? Keeping your house a home? Raising your family that you dont have a clue what to do next, but keep doing the right thing anyway? If you take a few moments a day for yourself and concentrate, but not too hard, you will soon notice the little pieces of you that you forgot or lost. Let the noise of the world subside, slip away. It takes some practice, but it can be done. Noisy kids, tv, radio? Find a way to get away from them for a few moments. It can be done. Close your eyes, clear your mind and sometime, the buzzing, thrumming noise that surrounds you will ease and at some point you will realize you are thinking about things that meant something to you..and still do. Use them, figure out how.

I have not just regained something, I have added something to my life. Letting your soul shine through in this hurried world is just what we all need. More people should let the tense, angry part of the world flow away and be simpler, more harmonious beings. Sorry if I sound like a hippie, but after 40 years, I REALLY DO understand what my version of the world is supposed to be. I'll keep writing if you keep reading, occasionally I'll ask for suggestions and occasionally you'll give them. My first gratitude is always to my family, but without you all, I shudder to think how long I may have gone before I felt this way.

Thank you, my friends, sincerely. You have helped a lost soul find his way back and yet go forward. I hope every time I write that you take something positive away from it. May you find your self if you havent already. Talk to you tomorrow.