99 Wii, Wii monsieur

Paige Browning started something again. How many times have you heard that in your life? Ha. As I just recently purchased a Wii, I am still learning all the games that we have for it. Wii fit, Wii this and Wii that--There are so many games just on the Wii Fit that it will take forever to master them.

I have developed a particular fondness for Wii bowling so far and I really DONT like the Yoga. The live yoga that I do suits me much better. Snowball fights, hula hoops, flapping my arms to fly like a fat idiot in a chicken suit, are all pretty entertaining and I suppose(gasp) healthy. You really do get up and burn some calories without knowing you're doing it.

Let's get to the "meat" of the subject, if you'll allow me to phrase it thus. Paige suggested that they should invent Wii Sex. After much consideration(about 5 minutes), I have concluded that they should invent it and to further the suggestion, let me put it to you like this: (pun intended) They should have a mat with one of those triangular sex cushions, full of sensors and maybe a web-cam. ( you know, for comparison purposes) You get points for balance, force, style, duration and position changes(cued, of course by your Wii Mii Wee Wee. There should be couples competitions, partner changes and liberal amounts of free-style. Lots of rhythm change excercises with varying time trials, change-ups and the like would put lots of calories and time in your Wii piggy bank.

If they really wanted us to lose the weight and Bii Fit, wouldnt it make sense to have a couple's game like this? Husbands and wives everywhere, getting up from the chair/couch, getting together(so to speak), girlfriends keeping their boyfriends off xbox live, lions and lambs living in harmony, peace onearthandfortheloveofallthatisholywillyouPLEASEmakeoneofthesedamnedthings?

Sorry. Lost my composure there. Wii Sex will bring peace and harmony to America. Many of the problems we're facing now will disappear. Let me expound on that for a moment: If couples are excercising(lets face it, that IS the best form of non-cleat required contact sports) health problems will begin declining. Many people too lazy to get healthy will have more of a reason to lose weight, get some cardio and maybe get off of their pills and potions. Lower back pain will either increase ten-fold or disappear from all but the seriously injured or the aged. The health-care industry wont be in as much of a shambles and congress wont have as much to bitch about to each other because the health-care reform that no one can agree on will be much less of an issue. Fast food sales will decline, thereby leading more and more people to eat more home-cooked meals. Organic foods, candles, fung-shui related items, pillows, sheets and thong sales will soar. Baby sitters will make a fortune because parents will be shooing the little buggers out of the house more often, as well as after-school sports and clubs.

The school systems will then benefit as well as the Scouts both boy and girl, malls will profit because teenagers will be there co-habitating and co-miserating more(here's 40 bucks, go the hell to the mall and leave me and Mom alone). Cuddle-related items sales will soar as well, along with stock in KY, beer, chocolate, Victoria's Secret, Adam and Eve and pork-related products.(we need comfort food too, ladies) Silk industries, cotton, ear plugs(for elderly neighbors, singles and kids that wont leave) will also benefit. In fact, there are so many industries that would benefit, it would almost be a crime if they DIDNT invent the Wii Sex.

Health and industry would benefit, people will be spending more time together, we'd be using our time together(as couples) more wisely and thusly--more marriages would succeed. Less divorces would hopefully get rid of more lawyers, but unfortunately, like cockroaches, they would probably just go elsewhere in the legal profession. Drug use would go down because, lets face it, the endorphin rush is better than most drugs. Alcohol consumption may rise slightly, but it would possibly be mostly red-wine related and we all know that the anti-oxidants are good for you.

Religion may even benefit. Neighbors(elderly and single) would hear you lifting your voice to God and become engrossed in their bibles, maybe even attending church more because they are wondering why so many of their neighbors are suddenly praying so loudly, over and over and over.

So. We know that many of the problems our deteriorating nation are now facing could be addressed and at least partially or wholly fixed by a Wii Sex. So? Where the hell is it? Why are we still waiting for it? When will they get off their asses and get it to market? The biggest problem I can see is what department at WalMart would they put it in? Video games? No, too many kids. Furniture and bedding(it would be a mat with a pillow-ish thing)? No, again, too hard for some people to think to look for it there. Fitness? Maybe. Right next to the Yoga mats is a possibility. Health products? Possibly. They already have all kinds of KY stuff and pregnancy tests. We'll leave that to marketing.

I know that some of you will think about this and come up with some bad points, but for the life of me, I cant think of any. It's about 6:40 PM. How long do we have to wait for it? Hurry up. Call somebody at Wii. NOW! ....Damnit...I suppose I'll have to try out those new waders in the morning, but by God, that frickin Wii Sex better be in the news tomorrow. God I love you Paige...Roz and about a 100 million other women will too, if somebody gets off their ass and gives us something to put ours on!!!! Oh, WVU --SWEET 16 !!! (not as good as Wii Sex, but it'll do for a few minutes). See Ya on Wii live!!(gotta invent that too).