75 Death Becomes Us

Recently, an acquaintance chose to end his life. I did not attend either his viewings or his funeral. I was reminded of so many before him, whether natural or abruptly, whose lives were ended and I attended their services. The question has been put to me whether people should be allowed to say their goodbyes and have the extended grieving process that is the modern funeral.

At the risk of sounding callous, I feel the way we mourn our lost is all wrong. Normally, after a passing, we have a viewing process that can last several days and then the graveside service. When my Grandfather passed a couple years ago, many people came to give their support and to reminisce. In life, he was outgoing and never met a stranger, in death, it was reciprocated quite well. I talked to many friends and relatives, reliving old exploits and the whole time, I felt like a zombie inside, alternately laughing about some adventure and grieving till I felt like I might die myself. Finally, the burial was at hand and as the preacher gave his final, mournful prayer and words, I said in front of the assembled: "...and may you be in Heaven 3 days before the devil knows you're dead...". You would have thought I had beaten an infant or raped a nun. There were very few who saw or understood what I had done. My Grandad was always a livewire and frequently interjected some wit into a conversation or had some antic that made everyone laugh. I thought" Why not in death?" Would he not have seen the humor? Yes. I think he would have.

To me, that should be part of the process. A bitter, pallid soul that led a life of bitterness or evil, I could not mourn, no matter how well I knew them or if they were related. Yes, the grieving process is for the living, not the dead, I know this. They are beyond caring. I have always been of the mind that when someone I know dies, I remember the best moments we shared. I've done that ever since I was little. Yes, some of you wont take a child to a funeral, but my parents did. I think it's part of your growing process. I went to one when I was about 8 or 9 and sat there thinking how depressing it was. The person that died was an old family friend, someone I always referred to as "an old farmer". You know? The mindset was the "old" ways, the strict upbringing, the Christian values. Crying, hushed whispers and hollow sentiments floated around the room and all I could think about was leaving. Yes, I was a kid, but that process meant nothing to me.

As I grew, friends and relatives passed and I attended many funerals from people of all walks of life. As I aged and gained a little "street cred" among adults, I tended to make remarks of some moment of levity or tenderness that was shared with the departed. Sometimes I offended, sometimes I brought a smile. I know nothing I do is really with the norm, but I feel adamantly about this one. I think the grieving process should be a little more about what they did in life, who they made happy, what they enjoyed.

Most people are sad and they cry or feel numb for a time because they need to come to grips with never seeing their friend again, never being able to speak to them. This is perfectly natural and I dont have a problem with it, I just dont like the idea of sitting in a room, feeling sorry for yourselves for an extended period of time. Every culture, every race has had their own ways of dealing with death. Our way has become entwined, as with everything here, with money. It's all about the casket and the service. We're not allowed to bury our own dead because of health laws. Okay, I can see that, but there are very few alternatives to the over-priced funeral homes. Here and there, some enterprising individual makes their own casket or pays ahead for their funeral. I think the average funeral runs around 7 to 9 thousand dollars. That's great for the funeral home, but the family is literally burying money they could use elswhere.

I dont want to get too far off on a tangent about the money. My discussion today is about the process. It's alright to grieve, it's good for you. It just feels wrong to me to spend 2 or 3 days cooped up in front of a body, feeling sorry for yourself. Some are scared to go on because they relied heavily on the person, some are sad they wont have that person for advice or conversation and some are just sad/depressed because that is all they've known or been taught to feel at funerals.

So, should we be allowed to mourn? By all means. Should we sit around for days mourning in front of a dead body? I dont think so, but everyone wants to mourn differently. The American Indians elevated their dead and left them to the elements. The Norse floated some on burning vessels into the hereafter. Some cultures dig up their relatives bones every so often and visit them. I always liked the ancients habit of burning the dead on a pyre, sending their spirits to the heavens on a wisp of smoke. This doesnt mean I want a modern cremation, I just love the symbology of sending your mourned to the great here-after, rising aloft on a a plume of fire and ash. It always gave me a primal sense of satisfaction that our ancestors looked up to the sky as heaven and down to the earth as a place of retribution or "hell" though I detest the term.

Many years ago, Roz and I went through the death of both her parents within a year's time. We were present at a seemingly never-ending parade of funerals for family and friends. I suppose in a span of five years, we attended 20 funerals. You learn quite soon to either wallow in self-pity or find a way to put a positive spin on death. In previous rants, I've said I think we move through lives, learning along each path til we reach some pre-determined goal or consciousness. I like to think that each person had their good points and THAT is what we should remember upon their death. Sometimes a person choses to end a life that is too tortuous for them and sometimes it is ended for them, but for the most part we die from either health or age-related issues. The reason is really not as important to me as the life that was led. We all must remember and grieve this life that is gone in our own way, I just dont think it's really all that healthy to keep a stranglehold on the depressing side of it. It is too often encouraged and expected and it should not be so.

Maybe its the Irish in me, I would like a VERY short funeral, no depressing, crappy music in the background. I want music playing that I listened to in life. I want people talking about me, good or bad, about the things I did. I would like a big wake with people eating, drinking and laughing about me or at me, it makes no never-mind. I know I will never know, I wont be there, but it will comfort me towards the end if I know people dont sit around moping about what THEY have lost. If you liked me in life, please remember something fond and voice it to each other. Of course, most of you will be gone, I'm going to live to around a hundred and thirty or so.