69 Voodoo

As I sit here this morning pondering the pending destruction of "The Tonight Show" and maybe late-night NBC itself, it occurs to me that I really dont care. I have bigger fish to fry. I have spent a lifetime listening to, talking to and caring about the half of the species that controls birthing, bra sales and credit card debt.

Before we begin discussing the creature known as "woman", let us first take a brief look at "man" : We want sex, food, tv, sex, cars, guns, sex, alcohol, boobies, sex and power tools. 'Nuff said.

What? You expect more from us? I already told you what motivates us. Every noble and pathetic emotion emitted from us is directly related to one or more of the above reasons.

Women desire some of the same things possibly without the boobies and power tools, but nonetheless, every scheming, conniving, coy thing that is uttered from your mouths is derived from the need to control HOW these things are obtained. I believe for you it is in the HOW and the WHY, not the WHAT. I have known women(not all in the Biblical sense) from every walk of life. From millionaire to pauper, they ALL had the desire to control and manipulate. I have noticed this to be especially true in the married of the species. There are exceptions, but we will be discussing the majority, not the minority.

From birth "Daddy's girls" are encouraged to be fiery and demanding and independent. Ok, I get that, it's cute when a 3 year old can tell her Daddy she wants a blue rhinocerous and consequently, she gets it. It may be an over-sized stuffed animal or a mural in the bedroom, but I bet more often than not, she'll get what she wants. The problem arises down the road when she tells her husband she wants wine and roses every day, the bigger-better-deal and the moon on a lasso. Oh, you may not say it in so many words, but you know you do it. You know just how to push his buttons and eventually, after the grousing, fumbling and cursing, you know to some extent you will manipulate him to get to your end goal.

Men and women both love to control whatever given situation they're in, but I think women for the most part are more desiring, more passionate of the position. Ideal work situations dont exist. We wish they did, but they dont. If you work under someone directly, you usually dont abide by all their ideas and often they are cursed(under your breath). Personally, I dont care if it's male or female that I take orders from, so long as they're fair and accurate. I have worked with many guys that resent working under a woman because they consider them "lesser". The psyche goes back to our primal beginnings and for the sake of space, let's just say that the male of the species developed bigger frames, muscles and math ability to protect and provide for the half of the species that birthed children and grew boobs, not moobs. Men resenting women in a position of obvious power is NOT our fault. It is a matter of nature and genetics. Again, I dont have a problem with it, but I know many do.

Lacking physical ability, the primevial female used her wiles to get more leg-of-stag. "Grog go get BIGGER stag and me will NOT hit him with rock while he sleep". Sound familiar guys? Yep, they havent changed in tens of thousands of years. Seriously? You women say you dont do that? You've never offered your man something "special" in exchange for getting a task done or buying some this-or-that? Huh. I must be mistaken. Anyway...

Our superior math skills enable us to keep track of spending, number the animals in a herd, guess cup sizes, add inches to things and subtract containers from actual-beer-drank. Yours allows you to keep track of how much moolah is left on the credit card, how many minutes are on your cell phone and how many other women we have "ogled" out of the corner of our eye. And just for the record: We want to look at boobs. It is not out of disrespect for you, or not loving you or caring about you, we just like to see those wonderful sweater puppets, extra pillows, funbags or whatever you call them. It takes a lot of self-control for a guy to look you in the eye, especially if you have a nice rack.

Women tend to be more emotional. This includes loving, nurturing, caring, stressed, grouchy, obstinate, jealous and worried. Men get angry if the remote doesnt work, we get stressed over idiots at work and we get hungry and horny. There you are. We dont care about your pms until it interferes with our 3 F's. Feeding, fighting and fornicating. Guys do tend to be callous and uncaring about what you're feeling because after we've been around you for more than one or two cycles, we become desensitized. Fights and arguments start from our lack of compassion for your dire situation. Some guys tend to be more callous than others.(these are probably the divorced ones) Women should probably be relieved from duty one week a month and confined to a spa or other place of comfort until their emotions and bodily functions return to normal. Things would go so much more smoothly.

Look, I know you would all like your man to help. Help with the kids, the clothes, the dishes, the cleaning, the bills, whatever the task of the moment is. Guys like to do one thing at a time for the most part, women tend to multi-task. In our minds, our job is our job. I have seen many a marriage fall apart because the working Mom and Wife has to do her Job and her home job. Again, blame our distant ancestors. The men went hunting and built shelters, the women reared children, cleaned the cave, gathered the fruits, nuts and vegetation that kept men's colons from completely shutting down AND they dealt with the in-laws. "yes, mother ugrak, no, mother ugrak".

Guys tend to be loving, caring and romantic until they have you as either a girlfriend or wife. After that conquest, we tend to pull back and begin acquiring "stuff". House, vehicles, tools, toys, etc. are on the agenda most of the time. This is where you come in. WE want a bachelor pad, not pink, yellow, fuscia, tuscan, toille or earth-toned stuff. WE want the roar of an engine and the feel of a Hearst floor shifter, not a Nissan Altima or a bow-tie nightmare of a family vehicle. We want to watch shows with guns and boobs and cars, not tissue holding, weeping, intrigue-filled, love matches that usually contain housewives, sexy doctors or Matthew McCona-gay.

Dont get me wrong, I have all the respect in the world for Roz and her fellow ovary-carriers. You all tend to keep us on the straight and narrow(most cases) and you allow us to posture in front of our friends while we wear the apron at home. For God's sake, give your man a little dignity, though. Dont ask him to go get your feminine products unless it's a dire emergency and dont talk him down in front of his friends(unless he's being an ass). Wait, that's most of the time, right? See, I pay attention.