105 Bits of You

Yes, I know, I asked for suggestions on facebook for rant ideas. It took me all day and then I came to the conclusion that I wanted to talk about dreams. Not the kind you plan for, educate yourself or let slip away, the kind we have when we FINALLY catch a little sleep.

I think I once posted a rant about dreams I had when I was younger and they recurred throughout the years. I have had frequent dreams involving those of you from high school that I hung around the most. They usually start out with us all in a dormitory of some sort, everyone rushing around preparing for something. We are usually all wearing those old, dark colored B.D.U.'s that I wore when I first joined the army. Usually one of you will approach me and inform me of some mission that we are all supposed to go on. In the course of preparing, I always miss the transport. It's usually a different dorm or warehouse-type building, but the faces are usually the same and the scenario usually plays out the same.

I have so many vivid, ultra-real dreams, I've quit trying to remember them over the years. I tried writing them down with disastrous results. I quit dreaming for a while and it just about made me lose my mind. Isnt it odd how you panic when something that is familiar to you is no longer there? That applies to so many things in life. I felt lost without them. It didnt matter what they were or how long they lasted, I felt hollow and empty without them. It was a comfort just to have them when I slept. I suppose that would be because I rarely quit talking and they were just another avenue to chatter away while I slept.

I have dreamt of armageddon, hovering sex-goddesses and walks through hill and dale. The other night, I dreamt I was in a high mountain pasture, working on my old truck(constant occupation with that thing) and I stopped for a moment to walk a little down the lee and talk to some old friends. When I got to their trucks, an endless parade of deer, elk, horse, goats and other critters grazed their way past my old beater. I watched as a horse as big as a clydesdale walked up to it and started eating the bolts that I had scattered about. One of the guys said "Shoot it!" and I found myself holding one of my favorite varmint rifles. Oh, did I mention that the horse was as blue as a smurf? I lead him through the pasture just as I would a deer, waiting for the shot, but each time he would clear a tree or bush, I just couldnt take the shot. Not couldnt, wouldnt. The guys were screaming at me to kill it and I just couldnt do it. He meandered up the hill and along the ridge and finally, into the trees. I felt a lot of sadness, I dont attribute it to the horse being blue, as he wandered off. Even in my dreams, I know my limitations. I know I'm a good shot, I know I have at least SOME morals and I know when there's something going on that I really should be paying attention to.

I'm still not sure what that blue horse meant. He was perfect in his way, heavily muscled, well-defined shape and looking quite healthy. If you have any ideas, let me know. Oh, and the eating-all-my-truck-bolts thing was kinda weird.

I have had dreams involving adventures as far back as I can remember. I'm always questing, striving to an end. They're usually quite involved and never do I see the end. There are always goals and side-tracks, leading me toward the end, but the end never comes. I wake up at what I would consider the 75 percent mark. Bummer.

Maybe I'm not supposed to finish anything. Maybe my purpose in life is to start and get other people started. Maybe I'm supposed to set up situations and make people think to finish them on THEIR own. It's not as depressing as it sounds. In a way, I like organizing something, plotting, planning and setting the gears in motion and then setting back while others complete the task. Wow. I just analyzed my own dreams, sans encyclopedia-like dream book. Meh.

I frequently dream of those who mean the most to me: Roz and the boys, Dewey, Mike, Jen and occasionally the host of other friends I have been priveledged to know over the years. Is it weird that my dreams are so vivid? I dont think so. I have asked a lot of people and most say that when they DO dream, it's usually hazy or black and white. Several rarely experience dreams at all. Pity. I find it comforting in a way. Most of you are usually the same as when last we met and occasionally a long-dead relative will pop in for a visit.

That leads me to the last little bit of this: nightmares. I rarely have them, but when I do, they are usually a doozie. Most of the nightmares i've had are about me dying. Sometimes it has been a loved one, but most often it revolves around some slow-dying scenario for yours truly. Consciously, I'm not afraid of dying. I've seen enough of it and frankly, I think I've reconciled myself enough spiritually to deal with whatever lies ahead. In the dreams, however, I become terrified and usually wake up sweating and screaming.(sounds like a bad date)

Recurring dreams of Ultra-man, iron skillets, bouncing like a rubber ball only a lot higher, war, old friends and floating sex-goddesses seem like pretty standard stuff for old Scott, eh? I know that I can be a bit wordy and sometimes I come up with odd things to talk about, but just know that most of the time its my conscious mind and not the dream-state talking.

If you'd like to share, please let me know what recurring dreams you have. I'd really like to know and I have some ideas about the why's and how's. I'm sure you'll have some interesting and disturbing things to talk about, so let's have at it. Hay lofts, deer hunting, walking through tall grass, NATO rounds impacting concrete, flesh and bone, its all good for me. I relish every bit of it. If you're not afraid or embarassed, let me hear your favorites...or your most terrifying. I'll be here all week.

As I finish this, I'm going to go retire for the night, head to pillow, mind trying to calm down from the day and hoping to dream a little dream of you....