I would hate to say how much of my life has been spent watching the various discovery and history channels. It would be a lot. I dont think they get the credit they deserve, either. They have allowed me to become adept at interjecting into conversations that vary from one end of the scale to the other. For example, when my fellow rednecks and conspiracy theorists want to talk about Mothman or the Jersey Devil, I have a bit of lore and eyewitness accounts on file in my head. If my college edu-macated friends want to talk about how the European Union ascended from post-war countries to a viable economic powerhouse, bent on world domination( well, the conspiracy people fit in there too), I can relate how U.S. dollars rebuilt much of Europe after the War and both directly and indirectly influenced their economic growth, thereby causing our own economic downturn, at least in part.
I have found that information gleaned from the various shows are good for a lead-in with a new acquaintance, creating the illusion that you are learned, suave and possibly interesting. " So, did you know that Julius Ceasar's death mask actually shows that he had aged horribly? He also had a full-body death cast made from wax that was paraded around Rome, causing the populace to rend several of the local politicians limb from limb." Of course, you could also get punched in the face, if that particular lead-in is used on the wrong redneck or history major.
Where was the history channel when we were in school? We had to watch those stupid reel-type movies or the taped, PBS shows. We could have gotten the intricacies of Goering's Luftwaffe and Rommel's Panzer Corp without cracking a book. The rise and fall of Rome, the Greeks and American industrialism could have been gleaned from a couple weeks worth of 1 hour programs instead of reading a book and then debating with some "teacher". Kids get more from staring at a t.v. anyway than interfacing with a real human being, right? Dont get me wrong, I'm really not trying to be sarcastic on this one. I just know that the over-saturation of media and visual stimulation provided by 300 channels, umpteen video game systems and phones that do everything but wipe your rear end have bred a generation of kids that, for the most part, dont seem able to figure out something in the real world. Give them a keyboard, a screen and an earbud and they'll get it. When you have shows that literally pick apart something, say, a t.v. remote and explain how each part makes the other work, step by step, piece by piece, the kids can relate to the hdtv graphics, the exploded view that is made somewhat like video game warm up modes and the hip, interesting person(usually) that is explaining it.
I would never have known the utter disrespect for paleontology that the movie Jurassic Park had, if I hadnt watched Walking With Dinosaurs. Dolly the sheep? She didnt have anything on those dudes. I want to clone a pterosaur of some sort, now. Speaking of cloning, why cant we take some DNA from the clothing worn by famous people(Elvis, Marylin Monroe, Princess Di) and clone them, raise them up and see if they're similar to their progenetors? I would love to raise a little Michael Jackson clone and see if he wants to bleach himself white, or if he really has the skin disease that M.J. said he had. I wonder if he would be prone to wearing one glove and grabbing his crotch? Hell, it's not like most guys dont grab their crotch half the time anyway. As long as he didnt have a fetish for underage boys we'd be okay.
The swirl of knowledge that lasers into my eyes and seeps out of my pores, feels like a game of trivial pursuit gone wrong. One minute I'm thinking of Ferdinand Porsche and his rise to glory via the Third Reich and the next I'm wondering why twinkies dont ever seem to spoil. Oh yeah, it's all the additives they put in. Did you see the Snack-tech episodes where they explored the making of snack cakes, chips, candy and the like? Cool stuff. Chips invented by a chef being a smartass, bread's humble beginnings in unleavened glory back in antiquity, such things ebb and flow from my consciousness like the tides. I have layed awake, wondering if Jack Ruby got the right guy and if the bacteria being spewed forth by your minute particles of saliva as you talk will sicken me if I get too close. I learned how a modern train is operated, how to mark an underwater grid for an archeological survey and how NOT to bait a sasquatch.(their trail cameras captured nothing but local animals). I believe the footage of bigfoot taken in the 60's is real, due to extensive testing and modern attempts at re-creating the movement and realism of the creature on the film. Dont laugh, it seems real enough to me, they couldnt come close to it even with computer guided models and post-dreamworks puppet technology. Besides, the vast areas in the American west could well support an undiscovered, reclusive primate population.
I really do love all the shows, but my kids dont seem to have the same appreciation for the ones I pick. I do tend to watch the military-oriented and conspiracy or crypto-zoological ones. I suppose there is only so much t.v. you can watch without becoming a shut-in. If it werent for Roz and the boys making me do chores and go to work, I might wind up eventually having to be carried out of the house on a forklift through a hole cut in the wall. I absolutely LOVE all the shows, well, most of them, but we do have a couple hundred other channels. Skinnemax is always good and the Outdoor channel rocks most of the time. I never get tired of watching some trophy animal go down in a hail of lead or steel. If you have a better way to kill a no-football, crappy day outside weekend, let me know. Dont give me chores or spending time with the family. Alcohol is an option, but then, it DOES make Behind the Music funnier. Give me the history of textiles, the making of a Disney cruise ship or how siliconized sand has revolutionized the world. You can turn off the t.v., throw away the phones, shut off the internet and send your kids to school, but they probably wont learn anything. If you encourage them to watch Discovery and the History Channel, they might at least be good at Trivial Pursuit. I wonder if it would look good on a college application? 425lb, single, 33 yrs old. Kicks ass at Warcraft, Halo and knows a little bit about everything including Bill Gates' rise to god-hood, how to rebuild an automatic transimission and the production of mayonnaise. Hmmm. Sounds like Princeton material to me.
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